watch it all fall to pieces.

everything's screwed.
damn screwed.

i don't know why didn't i use my brain last night.
how would i allow eagerness control my sanity.
how could i actually ask my boss to work for me cause i needed to work the other side.
like fcuk.
what the hell was i thinking.

but at least i didn't lie.
i tried thinking of an excuse but in the end i told the truth.
to think i thought it was ok.
maybe they were too nice to me that i took things for granted.
damn it.
i forgot.
theyre my bosses.
the BOSS.

i dont deserve their kindness man.
its like job-hopping.
but who can i blame?
no one, except myself.

blame myself for not being able to handle the stress falling down on me.
not being able stand boredom.
not being able to suppress my final choice.
why did i let my selfishness get to me?
just cos i liked the workload there i sorta abandoned the present?

boss said quite lotsa things to me today.
i felt so fcuking guilty i swear.
i guess i really disappointed them.

though it was all a misunderstanding.
but the eagerness to work the other side showed in me i guess.
i guess he sensed it too.

i didn't say i wanted to quit asap.
i just needed to take a day off on wednesday.
cos the other side really needed me.
but they saw it as i really couldnt wait to go.
to quit.
so they told me, until they found a replacement then they would release me.
release?
it sounded as if i felt so caged.
but no!

but since they thought it that way.
i thought, why not just let it be.
i needed to breathe soon.
as long i helped them to find one for the morn shift.
i know, that's selfish.
but you guys dont understand man.
you wont understand the stressed feeling.

it was just a day i wanted to take off-day.
but childish me.
stubborn me.
dumb me.
even when they couldnt make it.
i wanted to make it work.

anyway.
to my friends.
now you know.
its not whether i want to take off-day or not.
its whether i can.
so stop thinking whatever you thinking (:

anyway, back to the main point.
WHY WAS I SO FCUKING STUPID TO ASK MY BOSS TO STAND IN FOR ME.
COS OF WHAT?
WHAT IMPT MATTERS?
COS THE OTHER SIDE NEEDED ME TO WORK?
WHEN ACTUALLY MSW WAS THE ONE WHO EMPLOYED ME FIRST?
AND I NEVER WENT TO THNK ABOUT THAT?
HOW FCUKING STUPID CAN I GET.

i feel so damn bad now you know guys.
though my bosses don't voice it out.
but i guess i can sense their unhappiness.
and being ever so nice, they will never wanna scold me.

i want to help them.
i want to help to work on weekends for them.
i want to help them so they need not find people.
but i ended up creating a mess.
cos of my own gains, i actually gave my position to my colleague.
though i know i'll do better than her.
cos of my own gains, i actually disappointed them.
cos of my own gains, i caused them to have to find a replacement so damn fcuking soon.
cos of my own gains, i actually did something without thinking.

yeah jillian ng you're selfish man.
damn fcuking selfish.

my boss asked me how i felt working here.
like fcuk.
how to answer.
could i say im staying just cos i have such great bosses?
& not cos of the work im handling?

what could i say.
i could just say it was fun.
the people are nice.
and i changed the topic.
oh well.

then he said as much as you are eager to go over, we have yet to find a replacement so you have to continue working here till we find one .. is that ok?
and he kept asking if its ok for me to work till end of march.

fcuk and i said its ok though i felt not.
but i know its my fault.
all my fault.
i was the one who said i'll work till the end of march.
how could i go back on my word.
but seriously.
i didnt.
all i wanted to just have a day off.
but it was so impossible.
simply impossible.
other than wanting to have a day off, no other issues bothered me.
but they thought otherwise.
they thought i was dying to job-hop.

sigh.
i guess.
they treated me the best.
among their ex staff present staff or whatever.
even mimi momo's jasmine said that.
she said they are very very very very nice to me.
imagine how i felt when i heard that.

fcuk.
sigh.

if only i covered it with a lie.

this is when being truthful doesnt work.

life's realistic.
and that's the deadly truth.

will blog when home.
fcuking no mood now.

anyway :X
bought another pair of heels.
i think my whole cupboard is gonna fall soon :/

jillian ng
&thats all im willing to tell you :D